Well, it’s Olympic Games time again. That two weeks out of every four years when the majority of people on planet Earth go insane with Sports Fever and settle down on the couch to watch obscure sporting events they have likely never before heard of and/or would never even think about watching outside of the Olympics.
Whilst most of these events seem fine, there’s no doubt they lack a certain something, notably the possibility of death and/or dismemberment. Here’s how we’d spice up some of the less exciting events in a galaxy far, far away.
Equestrian
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What’s wrong with it: Dressage is guaranteed to put you to sleep even if you’ve had 40 XL coffees and a few hits of adrenalin. And how do people even win medals for this anyway? The horses do all of the work.
How it could be improved: Replace the horses with Tauntauns, the carefully tended lawns with a subzero tundra on desolate snow planet and the minor obstacles with a pitched battle involving AT-AT walkers, snowspeeders, lasers and LOTS of explosions. Now THAT’S sports.
Weight Lifting
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What’s wrong with it: Admittedly, it’s no mean feat yanking a bar of metal several times your own weight above your head, all while wearing overly revealing little shorts.
How it could be improved: But you know what’s way more impressive than that? Lifting a WHOLE FRIGGING X-WING OUT OF A SWAMP WITH THE POWER OF YOUR MIND.
Gymnastics
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What’s wrong with it: Pretty, but severely lacking in bottomless pits, laser swords, dismemberment.
How it could be improved: Let’s start by getting rid of the leotards. Probably best to dump the ribbons, bouncy balls, pommel horses and, well, just all of it, actually. Now add Force-powered super jumps and sweet flips, as well as lightsabers (naturally). Throw in some mood lighting/reactor core-type settings for good measure. NOW you have a sport everyone can enjoy.
Table Tennis
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What’s wrong with it: Sure, table tennis is fast and requires plenty of hand-to-eye coordination, but it needs MORE LASERS.
How it could be improved: If you want to see someone really test their reflexes, give them a lightsaber and an oversized helmet they can’t see out of, then have a little hover ball repeatedly shoot lasers at them. Preferably until they cry.
Shotput
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What’s wrong with it: Pass. Too easy to make jokes about balls of steel.
How it could be improved: Anyone can throw a metal ball onto some grass. NOT everyone can throw someone down a reactor shaft whilst the guy is electrifying you to death with magic lightning. Added bonus: The person you get to throw is your boss!
Greco-Roman Wrestling (aka. “Competitive Hugging”)
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What’s wrong with it: Errr… everything. Just… everything.
How it could be improved: Throw the wrestlers into Jabba’s Rancor Pit and let the hilarity ensue. Okay, technically this might be more “being bitten in half” than “Greco-Roman wrestling” but it will be faster and the rules will make 4961% more sense.
Road Cycling
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Art by Mike Joos
What’s wrong with it: It goes forever. Occasional crashes are a perk but they rarely/if ever result in gigantic explosions.
How it could be improved: Out with the push bikes and pedals, in with the repulsorlift engines! And as if being able to travel at 500kmph isn’t enough of an adrenalin shot, let’s stage the races in a literally impossible-to-navigate forest maze of tightly packed trees, filled with rudimentary rock and log traps and savage carnivorous space teddy bears waiting to hunt and eat anyone who manages to fall off their speeder bike!
Diving
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What’s wrong with it: Diving is just falling with style. And when you’re only falling into water, there’s hardly even any chance of a grisly/entertaining death.
How it could be improved: Two words: “Sarlaac Pit”. You have to admit that watching people dive into the gaping maw of a giant space worm in which, if swallowed, they will be slowly digested over a period of 1000 years is WAY more exciting than watching someone do a somersault or two into a nicely heated swimming pool.
Marathon
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What’s wrong with it: Wow, you ran 42km in just over two hours and pushed yourself above and beyond the realms of human endurance, big deal.
How it could be improved: If you really want to see how far and fast people can run, make all the competitors Jedi, then execute Order 66. You’ll be amazed at the record-breaking results people deliver when they’re running for their lives from merciless death squads.
Fencing
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What’s wrong with it: Seriously, this has to be the worst, least exciting thing involving two people fighting with swords ever.
How it could be improved: Lightsabers. Enough said.
You’re welcome, Earth.