The White House’s “We the People” platform allows people to post petitions, promising to respond to any that that get more than 25,000 signatures. Most of these petitions are undoubtedly created by kooks or cranks, calling for crazy things like, “allowing Texas to withdraw from the USA”, “recounting the election”, “allowing individual states to regulate marijuana as they see fit” and even “mandatory labelling of genetically modified foods”.
But one petition, created by a visionary and, dare we say it, PROUD AMERICAN is using this system to do something actually worthwhile: s/he is calling for the US Government to “Secure Resources and Funding and Begin Construction of a Death Star by 2016″.
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According to the petition: “By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defense.”
We’ve been proposing the idea of a Death Star for America for over a year now and we’re glad to see our message is finally catching on.
But let’s cut to the chase. America, you NEED this Death Star, and here’s six reasons why:
1) It will make a stylish addition to your planet. Right now, Earth is one of those BORING one moon planets. Just think how much cooler it will be to have a second, EVEN SHINIER moon to look at. You will be the envy of all the other lifeless planets in your solar system.
2) A building project of this magnitude will inspire your planet to greatness. You will be united by a common cause and common goals as every country on Earth gives their money and manpower towards helping you construct your Death Star, because if they don’t, you’ll aim it at them once you’re finished.
3) As the petition said, constructing a Death Star will stimulate the economy, providing work for millions of engineers, construction workers, plumbers and electricians, to name but a few, not to mention the countless jobs that will be created in the mining and manufacturing industries. As an added bonus, there will also probably be plenty of opportunities for slave labourers further down the line.
4) You already have an international space station but admit it, it’s totally LAME. It doesn’t even fire any lasers at anything. Time to upgrade.
5) What better way to bring peace to all of mankind than to build a gigantic death laser that can instantly blow mankind to pieces? Seriously, who is going to mess with you when you can explode their family, friends, home and even their precious collectible DVD Box Sets? No one, that’s who.
6) If you’ve ever watched a movie, you probably know that the greatest threat facing mankind right now isn’t global warming, it’s ALIENS. AND GIANT METEORS. AND POSSIBLY GIANT ALIENS HIDING IN EVEN GIANTER METEORS. We’re not “Doctor History” or anything, but we’re fairly certain that’s what took out the Dinosaurs. But the Dinosaurs would still be here today, using you all as delicious entrees, if only THEY’D had the vision and opposable thumbs required to build a Death Star to defend their planet. The point being, a movie with Dinosaurs fighting aliens would be AWESOME.
In conclusion, America, you can’t live in the past forever. The Stars and Stripes are so yesterday. Step into tomorrow. It’s great here. Sure, the air is a little bit toxic but everyone has lightsabers! Approve this petition. Begin building your own Death Star. Embrace the Death Stars and Stripes and the Death Star-Spangled banner. It’s time.
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If you enjoyed this post, why not meet the team behind it? View the trailer for the upcoming Death Star PR Web Series and the teasers for the PR Team’s members: Wilson, Green and Sharpe.