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Dear Sithizens,
No doubt by now you’ve heard about The Walt Disney Company‘s recent acquisition of Lucasfilm and all of its associated products and subsidiaries, including the Galactic Empire, and you’ve wondered what that means for you. Rest assured this will in no way result in any major changes or restructuring within the Empire. It’s still business as usual for us and our mission statement remains the same: to bring peace to the galaxy… even if it means we have to blow a few planets to pieces to do it.
However, as is always the case with any corporate merger, there will of course be some very minor adjustments (or, as we like to think of them, “improvements”), hardly noticeable at all really, in fact mostly just cosmetic, over the coming weeks and months. Here’s some of what you can look forward to:
1. As per his instructions, the great Walt Disney himself has asked to be thawed out of cryogenic sleep and encased in Carbonite until medical science advances to the point where human heads can be surgically attached to 100-foot tall firebreathing mechanical mice. Until such time, Carbonite Walt will be hanging in the Death Star foyer, so make sure you say hello!
2. Given the negative press that the “Darth” title has received in recent years, we’re replacing it with the much funner “Walt”. Note: Maybe don’t make a super big point of this to Walt Vader, who’s still adjusting to the news. You’ll know he’s over it when the workplace accidental injury/Force choke numbers begin to drop. Fun!
3. Similarly, the Emperor would like to clarify that he is not a “Sith Lord” and Walt Vader is NOT a “Sith Apprentice”. He is a Sorcerer, and Vader is the Sorcerer’s Apprentice.
4. Disney is a family friendly company. Anybody suggesting they are an “evil Empire” of some description, even in jest, will be sentenced to a swift and painful death.
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5. Whilst we will, of course, continue to kidnap Princesses and question them about the location of Rebel bases, where to get good sushi in the Outer Rim, etc, they are likely to be more of the Disney variety from this point onwards. Please ignore the singing woodland animals helping with their chores and shoot any dwarves and/or fairy godmothers on sight.
6. Moving forward, the Death Star shall henceforth be known as “DeathStarland: The Happiest Place That Could Blow Up Earth” in all communications.
7. All staff will now be required to perform at least one song per day to meet Disney-acceptable quotas.
8. Lightsabers are to be rebranded as “fun wands”. Any “fun wand”-induced dismemberments, accidental or otherwise, should be reported to Death Star OH&S using the traditional Incident Report For Lightsaber or Force Choke-Related Injury form.
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9. Our new Mousey overlords employers have requested that all Imperial staff make some minor adjustments to their work attire. Like, really minor. You probably won’t even notice the difference.
10. All Stormtroopers should now be addressed as “Vaderketeers”. Rest assured Rebel Scum, Walt Vader and the Vaderketeers will soon be suppressing a dissident cell on a planet near YOU!
11. Full-scale Imperial planetary invasions/ground assaults, e.g. the Battle of Hoth and the occupation of the Forest Moon of Endor are being reworked “highly realistic amusement park rides” or “ultimate adventure attractions”. After all, what could possibly be more of a thrill ride than crushing Rebels and/or Ewoks underfoot?
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12. Finally, re: staffing, there will be very few redundancies as a direct result of the merger. Redundancies due to upsetting an angry Sith Lord will, of course, remain highly probable given this announcement a remote possibility. On a more positive note, we are pleased to announce the addition of several new Moffs in upper management. We’re sure you’ll join us in giving a warm welcome to Lord Farquaad and Emperor Zurg, Sworn Enemy of the Galactic Alliance. Both Farquaad and Zurg come with a passion for, and wealth of experience in, evil leadership and are looking forward to helping us oppress the galaxy in dynamic and innovative ways.
Whilst we are deeply saddened by Mr. Lucas’ decision to retire, we can confidently and without any duress or fear for our lives whatsoever say that all of us here in the Galactic Empire eagerly await all the new movies, television shows, video games, comics, extended universe novels, amusement park rides, toys and assorted other merchandise we can expect with the Mouse sitting in the Throne Room.
On behalf of the Mouse, Disney and the Galactic Empire,
The DeathStarLand PR Team.